SMILE AT YOUR FACE

Kiss me in the corner of the attic while we're looking at your grandparents wedding photos.
I'll see a photo of you as a baby and we'll laugh like taunting teenagers do at the sight of a childhood embarrassment.
I'll snatch the photo and you'll chase me down the stairs and out the front door, we'll run and laugh like the best of friends, the most comfortable of lovers- squeeling and dancing down the street. We'll reach for each others hands and you'll pull me down to your pace so were walking side by side and we kiss with smiles still plastered on our mouths.

The silliest of lovers have the best stories.

PEACEFUL

HAPPY.

When you let go of all the confusing, un-satisfying shit that weighs you down- it is the BEST feeling in the world.
Thank fuck it's over.
Bring on the next chapter, new, fun, positive, exciting and with no emotional baggage.

Happy and free at last.

xoxoxoxoxoxooxo

Don't ever put your heart or your head in a grey area- always strive for black or white and if someone cares about you- they would never let you hang in the grey on your own anyway.


X

MARGUERITE DURAS.

"...as long as nothing happens between them, the memory is cursed with what hasn't happened."

"Suddenly, all at once, she knows, that he doesn't understand her, that he never will, that he lacks the power to understand such perverseness. And that he can never move fast enough to catch her."

"What she said was always strange. It had happened long ago. It seemed insignificant. And yet it was something you remembered forever. The words as well as the story. The voice as much as the words"

"Even so you have managed to live that love in the only way possible for you. Losing it before it happened"

"When you wept it was just over yourself and not because of the marvelous impossibility of reaching her through the difference that separates you."

Thank god for beautiful words.

THE LOVER.

"Years after the war, after marriages, children, divorces, books, he came to Paris with his wife. He phoned her. It's me. She recognized him at once from the voice. He said, I just wanted to hear your voice. She said, it's me, hello. He was nervous, afraid, as before. His voice suddenly trembled. And with the trembling, suddenly, she heard again the voice of China. He knew she'd begun writing books, he'd heard about it through her mother whom he'd met again in Saigon. And about her younger brother, and he'd been grieved for her. Then he didn't know what to say. And then he told her. Told her that it was as before, that he still loved her, he could never stop loving her, that he'd love her until death."

—	Marguerite Duras (The lover)

so hurt.

SO MUCH SO.

I saw red and yellow flowers outside
The brightest sunrise than i seen in a long time.

And through it all,
I stood and stumbled, waded through my thoughts and heart
Yeah through it all,
I fooled and fumbled, lost to the poet's frown.
I fought the wolves of patience just to let it lie down.

See these waters they'll pull you up,
Oh if you're bolder than the darkness.
That these songs be an instrument to cut,
Spaces between the happiness and the hardness.

Out the door,
The touch of morning, the burning of the frost
Out the door
Strong hands to hold; good friends that i never lost.

And what we found
Down these coves of limestone and cockle shells,
What we found
Down these roads that wander as lost as the heart,
Is a chance to breathe again, a chance for a fresh start.

See these waters they'll pull you up,
Oh if you're bolder than the darkness.
That these songs be an instrument to cut,
Spaces between the happiness and the hardness.
Oh, spaces between the happiness and the hardness.

Ben Howard- These waters

SARAH KAY.

When I meet you, in that moment, I'm no longer a part of your future. I start quickly becoming part of your past. But in that instant, I get to share your present. And you, you get to share mine. And that is the greatest present of all.

-SARAH KAY
( she just nails it and kills me)

HURTS GOOD.

CHOOSE CAREFULLY.

DATING/ SOUL MATING.

After much debate about going on dates, and varying differences of opinions amongst my friends I have quietly reflected and put some thought into dating, and why we do it.

As much as I think it is healthy to 'get out there' and good for people to connect, if not to find love then at least to meet new people and shake things up a bit, I am beginning to agree it is a bit of a pointless exercise- in 95% of cases.

I have been on dates where I wanted to leave as soon as I arrived, and I have been on dates where I have been completely blown away by how much fun it was despite how much I dreaded going. I have been on dates where I have made lifelong friends and I have been on dates where I wanted to slap the guy in the face for being such a senseless moron or where I have left within half an hour and kicked myself for being squished into going.

Usually I avoid dates like the plague. Because I am a picky b**ch and when I know- I just know. I usually try and delay the answer, make a joke out of it or just blow it off all together, but sometimes I humor myself and my friends by just going or I go because I feel genuinely awful for saying "no" when the guy is a good guy and I have no reason other than 'lack of romantic  interest' to enjoy his company.

I admittedly DREAD doing this, because I hate being responsible for hurting peoples feelings, and I hate the thought that someone could be hopeful for more when I am only giving them a chance, not access to my pants or a commitment to our future.

Truthfully, the best dates I have had were with guys that I had spent SOME amount of time with before committing to going on a first date/hang sesh.  You have already met, there is already some kind of buzz and connection and there is definitely something that leaves you interested to know more. Plus there is already enough cameraderie between you to not be majorly awkward and this usually eliminates the dreaded small talk and cuts straight to good chats and good times.

So are these kind of 'dates' the exception?

I think two people attract based on unspoken connections and inexplicable magnetism that draws them together.

Which makes me wonder… excluding the above-mentioned date between two people that have had a bit of an introduction already;

*Should we not be going on 'dates' at all?

*Should we give up all of these attempts at being 'open to meet people' and 'getting out there' and just shut the f**k up and wait for Love?

*Should we simply decline the invitations when we already know, seem rude and inflexible but save the time and hassle?

This, I am unsure of.

Sometimes you meet people, and sparks seem to fly… and that should be investigated, shouldn't it?

But then sometimes you are just drunk and imagining sparks, when really they are just flashes of the streetlamp that you are getting double vision from.

Then I wonder why all the old sayings exist;

"You won't know if you don't go'

"your not going to meet anyone sitting at home"

"Try before you buy" (ha ha)

"Single to Mingle!"

'get yourself out there"

"say YES to every experience"

Bla bla bla…

And I for one, do not want to be missing out on living fully- But, if it is not purposefully then it isn't going to get you any closer to what you want, is it?

I am going to try to be firm and stick with my gut feelings.

From now on, if I already don't like a guy in that way and I already KNOW that I see nothing in it; I won't bother going on a date with them, they can still be my friend and hang out with me as long as they are fully in the understanding that we are just pals. But I am not going to go just to be fair and nice if it is not true to my feelings.

From now on, I will only go on a date if I genuinely feel a curiosity or a strong interest in who the guy is, or if we have such good chemistry that I couldn't possibly say no.

What does everyone else feel about dating?

Are you over it?

Does the whole thing kind of put you off and would you much rather hang out with your friends and just meet guys out and leave it at that?

Or does it genuinely inspire you on your quest for all things romantic?

Do you not care if it's a waste of time, as long as your doing something?

I'm intrigued by the varying levels of thought at how everyone perceives dating and I also feel very Carrie Bradshaw right now and it's starting to freak me out so I will leave these musings at this;

You will never find love, it will find you.

xxx

jazz

WRITE, THINK, SPEAK.

IT'S NOT JUST THE ADAGE 'WRITE WHAT YOU KNOW,' IT'S ABOUT GATHERING UP ALL OF THE KNOWLEDGE AND EXPERIENCE YOU'VE COLLECTED UP TO NOW TO HELP YOU DIVE INTO THE THINGS YOU DON'T KNOW. I USE POETRY TO HELP ME WORK THROUGH WHAT I DON'T UNDERSTAND, BUT I SHOW UP TO EACH NEW POEM WITH A BACKPACK FULL OF EVERYWHERE ELSE THAT I'VE BEEN.

-SARAH KAY

 

YOU GET IDEAS FROM DAYDREAMING. YOU GET IDEAS FROM BEING BORED. YOU GET IDEAS ALL THE TIME. THE ONLY DIFFERENCE BETWEEN WRITERS AND OTHER PEOPLE IS WE NOTICE WHEN WE'RE DOING IT.

-NEIL GAIMAN 

 

XOX

LOVE, I THOUGHT TO MYSELF ABSTRACTEDLY. NOT 'THIS IS LOVE' OR 'IS THIS LOVE?' NOT A SENTENCE, NOT A CERTAINTY, NOT A THOUGHT WITH MOVING PARTS OR DIRECTION. JUST LOVE, ALL OF IT, AS IT IS. WHETHER IT'S ENOUGH OR NOT. WHETHER IT'S REAL OR WE'RE MAKING IT UP. HOWEVER SHODDY IT GETS, OR BENT OUT OF SHAPE. IT'S STILL EXTRAORDINARY. HOWEVER FOOLISH, HOWEVER VAIN. HOWEVER BADLY IT ENDS. LOVE.

-JULIAN GOUGH

POINT BLANK.

THERE COMES A POINT WHEN YOU JUST LOVE SOMEONE. NOT BECAUSE THEY'RE GOOD, OR BAD, OR ANYTHING REALLY. YOU JUST LOVE THEM. IT DOESN'T MEAN YOU'LL BE TOGETHER FOREVER. IT DOESN'T MEAN YOU WON'T HURT EACH OTHER. IT JUST MEAN YOU LOVE THEM. SOMETIMES IN SPITE OF WHO THEY ARE, AND SOMETIMES BECAUSE OF WHO THEY ARE. AND YOU KNOW THAT THEY LOVE YOU, SOMETIMES BECAUSE OF WHO YOU ARE, AND SOMETIMES IN SPITE OF IT.

HEROES

SO WHEN PEOPLE LEAVE, I'VE LEARNED THE SECRET: LET THEM. BECAUSE, MOST OF THE TIME, THEY HAVE TO.
LET THEM WALK AWAY AND GO PLACES. LET THEM HAVE ADVENTURES IN THE WILD WITHOUT YOU. LET THEM TRAVEL THE WORLD AND EXPLORE LIFE BEYOND A HORIZON THAT YOU EXIST IN. AND KNOW, DEEP DOWN, THAT HEROES AREN'T QUALIFIED BY THEIR CAPACITY TO STAY BUT BY THEIR DECISION TO RETURN.

VERA SAID.

Vera said: 'Why do you feel you have to turn everything into a story?' So I told her why. Because if I tell the story, I control the version. Because if I tell the story, I can make you laugh, and I would rather have you laugh at me than feel sorry for me. Because if I tell the story, it doesn't hurt as much. Because if I tell the story, I can get on with it.

SERIOUSLY GOOD.

If you love someone, ask him for nothing. Don't hold him from his destiny. Don't keep him from going off in search of his own answers. Don't ask him for commitment. You will know commitment is real when it is something given willingly, and not as something obligatory. Don't ask him for promises. If you are patient, if you have faith, you will know in your heart when the right time for promises has come. And when that time arrives, then you will see that you have both lost nothing by setting each other free, and have instead gained a richer,fuller life, a wealth of experiences, and a stronger certainty of your desires.

But should he not return to you, then life hasn't cheated you because no promises were broken. Your bitterness will not last long, and you will feel thankful and blessed that at the very least, this beautiful soul has colored your life, that knowing him has already made life infinitely more meaningful.

By setting a person free, you run a risk of him not returning. But always remember that you found him beautiful precisely because he was free. People are like sunlight. You can feel their warmth, and their glow, but you can't hold them in your hand and keep them with you forever. People choose to stay. But a choice is made more meaningful when it is made despite so many other options.

HEARTFUL OF SENSE.

LIVING IN YOUR HEAD IS NOT GOOD.

GET OUT OF THERE AND RECONNECT WITH WHAT YOUR HEART IS SAYING.

YOUR BRAIN WILL TELL YOU SO MANY DIFFERENT VERSIONS OF THE SAME STORY.

YOUR HEART WILL SAY JUST ONE.

-Jazz

MORE/LESS

ABSTRACT

TWAIN, TWAIN, TWAIN.

"THE FEAR OF DEATH FOLLOWS THE FEAR OF LIFE. A MAN WHO LIVES FULLY IS PREPARED TO DIE AT ANY TIME." - Mark Twain

YEP FOR NIPS.

SO HAUTE.

DEUS OF THE BEST.

TOI

I HEARD YOU WERE READING.

I HEARD YOU WERE READING AND I WANTED YOU TO KNOW;

• Some things may be better left unsaid; but how much better does it feel when they are said?
• Life's too short for anything less than exhilirating.
• Gravitate towards silliness- 'fun' is the elixir of youth.
• We will never be as young as we are today.
• Don't play with other peoples hearts.
• When you love someone, ask them for nothing, love is far more pure when it is given willingly.
• Be kinder to yourself.
• We don't make mistakes; we learn lessons.
• Forgive your parents, they were doing the best they could with the knowledge that they had- we will be in their shoes one day.
• Laugh often and make it easy for others to laugh with you.
• Forgiveness is the key to healing. 
• Read.
• Tell those that you love that you love them often. Don't be too proud to wear your heart on your sleeve- you may regret holding back when people are gone.
• Nurture children. Play with them. Encourage their free joy and share in it- often.
• Write.
• Be thankful.
• Admit when your wrong, stand strong when your right and be willing to learn when your unsure.
• Power is a dangerous drug, don't overdose.
• Take the time to really listen to your friends when they need you; even when they don't.
• If you don't believe in yourself, nobody else will. 
• Don't bother yourself with the opinions of others; opinions change when people grow.
• Read poetry.
• Nurture the relationships that are dear to you and don't let them fade away at the expense of time or distance- hello, we have text messages.
• Write your favourite quotes down in a little black book.
• Light candles and turn off the lights.
• Don't judge people by appearances.
• Hug with your heart.

enjoy life.

Jazz. x

I KNOW

You never said a wordBut the thousand things you should have said I heardMade my heart stand still
I never thought I'd beAny one of all the things you wanted of meNow I know I will
You wordlessly whisperThat you're all alone and hopingYou silently signalCould I come around some time
I'm not sure what that's forBut I'll use itThis is my art now, falling apart nowFor love
I'm not sure what that's forBut I'll use itThis is my art now, falling apart nowFor love, love
You never made me laughSo much as in that silly photographWhat'd you think I saw?
I never had to dreamTo understand what all your phrases meanYou mean so much more
You wordlessly whisperThat I make you feel like cryingYou silently signalCan I see the things you feel
You never talk about just what I mean to youYou never say you'd be unhappy if I movedBut I'll be there, oh I'll be thereYes I'll be there, if you still want me

HEAVENLY- TOOL

the lonely clown.

Don't ever be single and at home on a Saturday night.

yolo.

sentimental echoes of the unheard heart.

heavenly.

this.is.my.art.now.

falling.apart.now.

for.love, Love.

C'EST MAGNIFIQUE

 I went into the desert to forget about you. But the sand was the color of your hair. The desert sky was the color of your eyes. There was nowhere I could go that wouldn't be you.

'Middlesex' by Jeffrey Eugenides 

X

"Will you be traveling with or without your heart?"

"without."

FUCKYOU

DWELLING IN THE PAST
THINKING ABOUT WHY WE DIDN'T LAST

THERE WAS SO MUCH HURT I FELT WINDED IN MY HEART
IF I HAD KNOWN FROM THE START

I WISH YOU NEVER CALLED
I WISH I NEVER ANSWERED

COUNTRIES APART
WORDS FROM THE HEART
CLUELESS LOVERS SPELLING SECRETS FROM AFAR

QUESTIONS LEFT UNANSWERED
HEARTS LEFT BRUISED

I WISH YOU NEVER CAME BACK
I WISH MY HEART NEVER FOLLOWED YOU

YOU LEFT IT BLACK AND BLUE
I HOPE YOU KNOW IT'S TRUE; THAT IN A MILLION YEARS I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU.

WERE THROUGH AND THROUGH.

AND IT'S BECAUSE OF YOU.

TALK ABOUT IT.

I AM NOT SCARED OF LOVE.
I AM SCARED OF NOT LOVING.
I AM SCARED OF BEING LOVE-LESS.
I AM SCARED OF LIVING A LIFE WITHOUT LOVING WITH EVERY BREATH.
I AM SCARED OF THOSE LOVELESS PEOPLE, THE ONES WHOSE HEARTS HAVE GONE COLD AND DRIED OUT FROM NOT DECLARING THEY'RE LOVE OR FAILING TO BELIEVE THAT IT EXISTS.

LOVE IS THE ULTIMATE.
THE MAIN REASON FOR BEING.
THE REASON WE EXIST.

TO DECLARE ADORATION, FROM ONE HEART TO ANOTHER.

TO BE BONDED BY A MUTUAL AFFECTION, AN APPRECIATION OF THE RHYTHM ONE'S HEART BEATS AND RACES.

TO FALL ASLEEP, LISTENING TO THAT HEART BEATING WITH A HAPPY CONTENTMENT FOR YOUR HEAD ON IT'S CHEST.

AND TO WAKE UP TO THE SMILE OF THAT HEART ON HIS FACE.

THAT IS LOVE.

L'Amour.

Bisous.

xxx

Jazzy

I AM NOT SCARED OF LOVE.